30 Days of submission: Day 21

21. Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

21.1. On my knees, definitely. It’s one of the positions where I feel the most submissive and if I feel like someone is a person I could be submissive to, my first instinct is to kneel to them. My favorite way to greet a d-type is on my knees, with my hands on the ground or on my knees. Prostrate I guess would be the word.

30 Days of submission: Day 20

20. Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

20.1. I don’t know about increase or decrease. I think I’m more comfortable with it now, and with who I am as a submissive. I know more about who I am and I’m still growing into myself. I don’t think I’m more submissive than I used to be, but I’m more certain of how I feel when I do feel submissive toward somebody. I think I’m more selective about who I submit to but I think because of that I find it easier to relax into being submissive with my partners because my selection process is a little better.

20.2. I have had to change my relationships in the past. I’m still good friends with the woman that was my first d-type. After a while it became clear that we’re not really a good fit in a romantic relationship, so we had to renegotiate things to a more casual, play relationship. We play together sometimes now, but we don’t sleep together and sexual activity in a play scene is off the table. I think that depending on how things go with R and I that that may end up getting renegotiated again. I’m used to negotiating lots of things in a relationship, and kink is just one aspect of that.

30 Days of submission: Day 19

19. How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

19.1. I like to be socially connected about most stuff I do. I have friends that are d-types, and friends that are s-types and friends that just identify as kinky or poly. What I do specifically is just between me and the person/people I’m playing with, but I know plenty of kinky people.

19.2. I do talk with other people. My friends are good sources of information, and I also try to talk with professionals and people teaching workshops when I can. My mother is a sexual health therapist and she’s helped a lot by introducing me to professional kinksters and workshop instructors so that I could talk with them and collect tips and pointers and just bounce ideas off of them.

19.3. I like going to events when I can, especially workshops. I don’t do much online networking because it’s not very interesting to me. I have a fetlife account to keep track of events but I don’t do a lot with it beyond that. I like talking with other s-types though to hear about their experiences and to get to know them. It’s not a thing that people always understand about why I would want someone to tie me up and beat me and it’s pretty refreshing sometimes to be able to talk to someone that does get it and shares my excitement about showing off bruises or marks.

30 Days of submission: Day 18

18. Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

18.1. I think this is bullshit and a half. I have lots of opinions about a lot of different things. I’m probably more opinionated than most of my friends, and less shy about it. I was raised to be that way because the people in my family are that way. The only way to get heard is to make noise.

18.2. Communication is the most important part of any relationship. I’m also poly in addition to being submissive and I think that is a big part of things. I like knowing where I stand and I’m not really scared to say what is going on with me. I think that good d-types know how to listen without getting upset if I say something. I like to know that I can say what is on my mind without getting in trouble for it.

18.2.1. Part of how I like to do aftercare is to be able to talk things over with the person I was playing with. Or not even about the scene just about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about. I know that I’m a pretty talkative guy and I hate to have that stifled unless it’s specifically for a scene.

30 Days of submission: Day 17

17. What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

17.1. There really isn’t any submission without trust. I have my shit together enough that I don’t need anyone to take care of me or manage my life for me. Submitting to someone is voluntary for me. It’s still apart of who I am, but it is voluntary. I don’t really roll over to everyone unless I already trust them. It’s probably the most integral part of any D/s relationship.

17.1.1. I’m very aware that submitting to someone is giving them a lot of power, emotionally and physically. I like being tied up and bound but that’s also a pretty vulnerable position to be in. Being naked in someone’s house when they’re clothed is also a vulnerable place to be. I couldn’t do those things if I didn’t know I could trust the person I was doing it with. I usually do some background checking of potential playmates because of that. Which maybe is a little paranoid, but I also like to know I’m safe. If I don’t feel like I’m safe, I can’t relax enough to play with someone.

30 Days of submission: Day 16

16. Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

16.1. I think it probably does. I was sixteen in my first kinky relationship and I’m a lot different now. I think that I’ve learned a lot from every relationship that I’ve been in. Underneath I think that I probably like a lot of the things I started out liking. Hopefully I’m a better submissive than I was at first. Not that I was bad at it but I don’t think I had as clear of an idea of what I was doing or what it was I wanted and got out of it. I try to cater my actions and the kinds of service that I do for a d-type based on who they are and what I know they like, or what they ask of me. Some relationships I’ve had were pretty relaxed and loose and some have more structure. I think I prefer more structure to less.

16.2. I have been involved with both sexes. I like both sexes. I think it probably depends on the person a lot more than the gender. With either sex I like being fucked and I like performing orally on men and women. I really probably think I’m just dom-sexual rather than bisexual or queer or whatever. I tend to like dominant people, regardless of gender.

30 Days of submission: Day 15

15. Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

15.1. I’m still young but I don’t really consider myself that new. I started dating a couple when I was sixteen, one of whom was kinky, the other French Vanilla. The kind with little speckles. When I was really new she and I mostly tried things out that she wanted to do and I was pretty game. I’m willing to try anything once especially for someone I care about. She is still one of my best friends. It was very frustrating for me starting out because I was still considered too young to go to workshops and classes which was what I wanted to do. I wanted to learn what to do so I could be pleasing and do things safely. Not an option. Being a minor thwarted me in a lot of different things, really. I did get to talk with some kinky people, mostly female d-types, over coffees and things. I just had a lot of questions that I wanted answers to, I wasn’t looking for somebody to play with. I guess that helped them feel more at ease that I wasn’t trying to entrap them. Just looking for somebody to talk to who wasn’t my mother. We both agreed that would be vastly inappropriate.

15.2. I think that I used to be a little more eager to please and maybe less discriminating about who I wanted to be with. I was also pretty sure that I had to be dating somebody to play with them. That isn’t the case now, but it’s something I still like. I did try dating vanilla people with dominant personalities and kind of found that wanting. Even if they were fine with telling me what they wanted or roughing me up the intention wasn’t really there. I guess I knew that they didn’t get it really and that was hard. I’m not as willing to settle for someone that doesn’t have a clue about why I might like somebody else to be in charge.

15.3. I think that I’m a much better submissive now than when I started out. With my first girlfriend I was mostly passive and let her do what she wanted without having any idea what I wanted. I didn’t have enough experience to know what I wanted. I have tried to talk with other d-types and s-types about what does make a good submissive and what they look for if they look for that and I try to learn those things. I took some cooking classes to learn how to cook, plus it’s just a good idea because I live alone and feed myself. Cleaning and laundry care is kind of self-explanatory, but I also know how to make a really good cup of tea, and how to use a couple of kinds of espresso machines so I don’t screw up somebody’s expensive machine trying to make them a treat. I try to apply the same kind of philosophy I guess to submission that I do to other things. I want to be good at it and try to acquire the skills that would make me a good submissive. I bet I would have been an excellent geisha if I’d been a Japanese woman.